Unlearning Codependency

Happy Self-Love Sunday worthy individual.

I think it’s fitting to begin with affirmations so let’s start with a few today.

1. I am powerful

2. I am capable

3. I am growing

4. I love who I am today

& my absolute favorites

5. I am worthy

6. I deserve good things

I’ve missed sharing on this platform but truthfully, the break I’ve been taking has been much needed. I have a bad habit of overworking myself to the point of utter exhaustion. However, today is a beautiful day simply because you are here and I’m excited to share my perspective on unlearning codependency so let’s get into it!

Lets first start with the definition of codependency so we are on the same page. A partial definition by Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner”. Many definitions include the concept of illness and or drug addiction but for the sake of today’s post, I will be sharing my experience with codependency devoid of those factors.

The funny thing about this topic is the very limited effort and energy I dedicated to unlearning codependency. Truthfully, as I ran from toxicity & manipulation, I happened to be forcing myself into a much healthier perspective on relationships which allowed me to begin my journey of unlearning codependency.

Historically, I had an unhealthy desire to save the people I loved. I was willing to sacrifice myself, my mental and physical health if it meant they’d live to see another day. I was battling depression and anxiety but my only priority was their survival.

While running from the emotions I felt while in a codependent relationship, I learned to say “no” to things that didn’t serve me while reflecting on the red flags, I so skillfully missed.

I realized that I prioritized my romantic relationship to the point where I was willing to lose track of everything else including my mental peace.

Maybe you aren’t there. Maybe you believe you never will be. Maybe you have a healthy understanding of relationship boundaries and Self-Love.

Badu said it best in, Out My Mind, Just in Time

“I’m a recovering undercover over-lover, recovering from a love I can’t get over”

Being an “overlover” sounds beautiful in theory but the act of denying yourself the time, space and energy you need to survive is self-betrayal.

You cannot present the best version of yourself to the world when you spend all your energy on someone else.

Codependency is often birthed in adolescence. It has many sources but the one I will share today is the association our little minds may make when we are affirmed and rewarded every time we selflessly gave of ourselves. Example: Did your parents offer excessive praise when you gave the last piece of your favorite dessert to your sibling? Was it required of you to apologize for a mutual disagreement without first assessing your emotions? Were your feelings often disregarded even on the smallest scale?

Parents often mean well but cannot be expected to be perfect. It is our responsibility to be healthy functioning adults who work to unlearn and relearn.

Codependency is harmful because it does not allow healthy maintenance of boundaries. If you are focused on the wellness of your partner, friend, family member etc., without first ensuring your own well-being, you will never be your best self.

Now that we’ve covered it’s harm, let’s explore how it reveals itself. The following are a few questions to help explore the possibility of codependency issues in your relationships. While answering these questions please try to be open minded. Think deeply and really explore your experiences. Do you notice an immediate and unshakable change in your demeanor when you are not in a good place in a relationship you value? Are you able to maintain homeostasis when there are issues in your relationships? Is your happiness dependent on the disposition of your partner?

The act of staying in a space where you cannot prioritize yourself and your well-being is self-betrayal and the fact that you’re alive today means that you deserve better than that.

You deserve a healthy relationship with yourself. Self-love is a journey and right now mine is requiring me to unlearn unhealthy relationship habits.

This platform, for me, is a space where I can share the difficult lessons I had to learn through experience as well as provide a safe space to encourage other’s that growth, self-development, self-love and self-actualization are all attainable and valuable.

At this point in my journey, I’m taking a step back to evaluate any residual traits I may possess that align with codependency issues. I’ve definitely made a lot of progress but it’d be unfair of me to assume I am not capable of making more beneficial changes in my approach to relationships.

Honestly, there is no universal solution & there’s no one-size-fits-all method to healing from trauma and developing healthy habits but the fact that you’ve made it this far is a sign that you’re capable of growth and healing.

I use affirmations, meditation and prayer to remain centered.

My hope is that today’s post can be a good starting place for someone who is coming to terms with their codependency issues, any other relationship based issue or anyone who wants to learn more about the Self-Love journey of others.

Today, you are worthy of growth.

Today you are worthy of Self-Love.

Whether you’re processing and growing from codependency issues or absolutely anything else, I am proud of you.

You deserve to be the best version of yourself you can be.

Be gentle with yourself, healing is a complicated process and Self-Love is a difficult journey.

Happy Self-Love Sunday worthy individual, you are deserving of good things.

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