It’s Monday

I have so many ideas.

I have so many goals.

I have so much passion.

I have so much drive.

I waffle between chaotic and disciplined.

If all is right in my world, I am analyzing every situation before me while wearing my fluffy slippers and writing “to-do” lists..

However, most of the time I find myself in limbo between completely irrational anxious thoughts and overwhelmingly depressing ones.

Maybe I’m writing this on a Monday morning because I didn’t get much rest last night or maybe it’s because I have been searching for the “right” things to express in this space for weeks months now.

I want this space to be full of positivity and lovely words that make everyone feel warm and fuzzzzzzzy  inside, like chocolate covered strawberries or the ocean on a sunny day. Mostly because that’s what I want to feel and that’s what I want to share with others.

This morning at 5am, I unlocked my phone and the first thing I did was open the Instagram app and then the Twitter app. These actions are so far from my normal morning routine that I found myself stunned and confused by them. I wiped my eyes and realized that I had a lot of work to do if I was going to get back to where I needed to be.

Social media is all smiles and sunshine apart from the occasional mental breakdown that most people overlook, laugh at or flat-out ignore.

God bless those who wear their hearts on their sleeves and are only met with chastisement when they express their true emotions.

I haven’t had the best relationship with social media…

Quick walk down memory lane…

In 2014, I deleted the Instagram app off my phone and didn’t download it again until last month.

In 2016, I deleted Snapchat and haven’t used it since.

In 2017, I deleted the Twitter app for somewhere between 6 to 8 months (I’m not sure).

Social media has never been my safe space because I’ve never been good at pretending everything is fine while my house is burning to the ground.

Social media has never been my safe space because I rarely know the right thing to say in person, so it’s even worse (for me) when I can’t hear tone, see facial expression and read the environment.

Social media has never been my safe space because sometimes the only thing I want to tell the world is that my house is burning to the ground…but most people only want to know so they have something to talk about, they’ll hold their buckets of water close as they type “praying for you” with no intention to actually do so.

Social media has never been my safe space because anxiety tells me that nothing I post will ever be good enough.

I used to write poems on Twitter as a cathartic release, not thinking anyone would read them…why? Because I often forget that my voice isn’t always the whisper I think it is. I often believe wholeheartedly that no one is listening to me or cares what I write,

or tweet

or scream.

If I post something on the Internet, it can then be shifted from a soft mumble to a shouting roar and I find myself forgetting that I cannot control the interpretation of my art once I share it with the world.

Going back to using social media has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I may need to take frequent mental health breaks…actually hold on

*goes to phone

*deletes Twitter app

Twitter’s gone for the day!

From learning myself I’ve learned that if I want to exist/survive in this world, I have to protect my energy. Scrolling down a news feed isn’t just mindless scrolling to me…it’s draining and my energy doesn’t deserve that

*goes to phone

*deletes Instagram app

Bye Instagram! See ya later!

I keep, at minimum, 1-2 books in my purse at all times. I’m currently reading Autopsy by Donte Collins (I’ve been reading this book for more than 5 months simply because I don’t want the experience to end) and Incredible Answers to Prayer by Roger Morneau. These books deserve my time more than the highlights of the lives of people I’ve never met. Find your peace…

wherever it is…

whatever it looks like.

I’m still finding mine but I think I’m going in the right direction.

Keep Trying to Find Your Peace

 

and I’ll keep trying to find mine.

 

PS: I love sunflowers and butterflies because they remind me of childhood and pure joy.

I love to talk about life and learning because I know I have so much to learn and those around me have so much to share so feel free to message me, text me, or comment on the blog. I’m all ears!

I felt confined to my Friday and Sunday posts so I decided to publish this today…”share” and “like” the post if you enjoyed it. Feel free to reach out to me. Happy Monday! See ya soon!