Happy Monday! Welcome back to my safe space, where my thoughts roam free. Today’s post will be a response to the following prompt from this website! Enjoy
Prompt:
1. The Untouchable: Something that will always be out of reach
Overall concept: the love of a toxic parent; the child is healing and moving towards self acceptance and has gone no contact with the parent, however, the parent is now extremely ill and the child decides to visit as their final act towards reconciling the relationship. This is that scene/the inner dialogue of the child.
Please enjoy a deep dive into my interpretation of the mind of someone with a complicated home life who is experiencing an incredible amount of emotions that words could rarely ever truly express.
Title: Death and Peace
Wrinkled hands shake mere inches from my face.
The only thought taking residence in my brain is foreign; this body you’re inhabiting is so foreign to me
Time—the true equalizer
I inhale sharply, finding it difficult to fill my lungs while you use a machine to fill yours
Illness holds your body captive—it seems the debt collector has come to receive their final payment, in full.
I wonder if you remember how strong you were—or if as your physical strength faded, the memories dissipated as well…floating away like chaff in the wind.
I wonder if I will mourn for you after you take your last breath.
A unexpected side effect of seeing you again—the bombardment of the cruel and unkind words that shaped my upbringing, now play on repeat in my mind.
I wonder, in death—as in life—if you’ll have the last word…
I wonder if my memories will paint you better than your actions ever could’ve and I will begin to see you in a light that you never deserved.
I stand to leave as a nurse enters the room. She smiles at me kindly, unaware of our tumultuous relationship, only seeing a child with their dying parent.
Somehow, I find myself in my car again, breath shaky and heart beating fast.
With shaking hands I write my final letter to you:
Mom,
I am who I am in spite of you.
Your cruelty allowed me to see the world through a lens unique to those who grew up in an incredibly toxic household.
Joy is foreign because of you, peace is fleeting because of you.
Will your death provide the release and peace I’ve been searching for or will you continue to haunt me once you’ve left this earth, shaping me for a lifetime?
I wish I could say I’m resilient and that I am strong in spite of you but in this moment I don’t feel strong.
I feel like the 7 year old who begged you to be kind. I feel like the 12 year old who often sought comfort and safety outside of my home. I feel like the 15 year old who found belonging far from your oppressive hands. I feel like the 18 year old who never looked back. And I feel like the 28 year old who received a call about your quickly deteriorating health.
You’ll never see me as a mother, you hardly ever saw me as a daughter. My husband will never meet you and you’ll never attend my wedding.
I have created a life without you…you’ve been dead to me.
Your absence, or lack there of, has little to no impact on me.
I only wish you exactly what you deserve.
I pray the peace you so often deprived me of, finds you, if and only if, you truly deserve it.
xoxo, see ya tomorrow
The Introvert's Escape Maneuver 